The Little Book of Yes
Noah Goldstein
2: Exchanging
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But these people were often found to be much less productive at work than their colleagues. A willingness to help others came at a cost: less time to attend to their own goals. Fortunately, the researchers were able to identify an approach taken by a select group of employees who seemed able to provide assistance to their colleagues, boost their social status and do both these things without any detrimental effect on the achievement of their own goals. But how? Did they possess supernatural tendencies? Certainly not. All they did was signal that the help they provided to others was part of a natural process of exchange. After being thanked for their assistance they were the kind of people who were more likely to say things like ‘that’s what people do for each other around here’, or, ‘if the situation was reversed I’m sure you’d do the same for me.’ They were also much less likely to say things like ‘No problem’, ‘Happy to help’, or ‘Think nothing of it’. And they certainly, after being thanked, never, ever said ‘Well, now you owe me!’ In the words of the researchers, they arranged for exchange and in the process created a willing network of colleagues who became more inclined to do exactly that. Exchange means the process of giving and receiving between people in such a way that everyone benefits. Partnerships become stronger, communities are more cohesive, and cultures become more trusting and healthy.
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ON EXCHANGING If you feel that people often take advantage of you, you may be saying things like ‘no problem’ too often. What could you say instead? Listen out for when people say ‘thank you’ to you. Keep a thank-you diary, taking care to notice whether the balance of give and take in your life is equal. Look for ways to pay favours forward. If a colleague appreciates your help, ask if they could pass their help on to someone else in your team or network.
3: Gifting
Page 30
So, is a simple solution when it comes to choosing the perfect gift to just ask friends and family to write down what they might like and then buy something for them from the list? Actually, yes! But this approach also raises a concern. Does having to ask a friend what they want signal that, as the giver, you don’t know them well enough to buy a personalised gift? Or, worse still, will they think that you can’t be bothered spending the time, effort or energy necessary to choose a suitable gift? It turns out these concerns are unfounded. Those who receive gifts they asked for are actually far more appreciative because they were given something they really wanted. And the level of appreciation that people feel for the gifts we give them is important. Not only is it one of the main determinants of how much people might be motivated to reciprocate in the future, it also effects their happiness too. So, when choosing gifts for others, finding ways of identifying what someone truly wants and then buying it is a win-win for everyone involved. An appreciative and happy recipient. A relieved and happy giver
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you want to be known among your friends and family as a thoughtful and generous gift-giver (while secretly remaining a thrifty one too) the advice is to purchase high-value gifts from low-value product categories (like the £45 scarf) rather than low-value gifts from high-value categories. Doing so provides several advantages. Recipients of your gifts will feel more appreciated. Your perceived generosity rises. And, perhaps most important of all, you avoid the risk of being labelled ‘cheap’!
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ON GIFTING Remember, it’s OK to ask people what they want. They will end up happier and so will you. Which means that it is perfectly OK to tell people what you want, too. Next time you buy something for anyone – whether it’s a bottle of wine or a birthday gift – remember that price is relative – it’s better to buy something of high quality than high price.
4: Cooperating
Page 36
Focus on the common goals that bind rather than divide you, the larger identity that you share. Look for a point that both parties can agree upon first, and make that central to your discussion. It is an approach that seems obvious, yet it’s one that can frequently be missed in the heat of the moment.
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Another effective way to build cooperative connections between yourself and others is to actively invite them to collaborate with you. Suppose you’ve come up with a good idea at work. Rather than go it alone in an attempt to win all the acclaim, the advice is instead to develop a draft of your plan and then give it to a colleague or even your boss and ask for their input. By arranging that buy-in you have also arranged for their cooperation and, importantly, their ownership. It is a strategy often dubbed the IKEA effect, so named because people place a much higher value on things they have partially created – rather like that wonky cabinet you or your partner constructed from a flat-pack kit.
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ON COOPERATING Next time you have a project or proposal you want to pitch, say to your boss, ‘I’d really love to get your input on this.’ Gaining their input creates a convergence of ideas and is a key step in successful persuasion. When dealing with stand-offish colleagues or neighbours try to find out what you have in common and highlight that before trying to persuade them. Do a quick search on LinkedIn or Facebook before meeting someone for the first time and look for shared interests and common experiences. Look at chapter 2, ‘Exchanging’, to see the usefulness of asking for advice: advice leads to a perception of partnership, teamwork and, ultimately, cooperation
5: Pausing
Page 42
Entering into a discussion in a frustrated, anxious, angry or otherwise unhelpful emotional state can quickly turn a seemingly simple exchange of opinions into an argument where persuasion and influence becomes impossible.
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Be aware too, when seeking to influence others’ decisions, of the role that their mood plays. Attempting to persuade someone who has just received unsettling news, or, worse still, reminding someone of a topic that you know will put them in a gloomy mood, is both unwise and at times even morally wrong. If you use their negative emotions to prompt people into making decisions, it will often lead to regret and resentment, and do little to build long-term relationships. In fact, by offering to postpone negotiating with someone who has just had a negative experience, you’ll actually strengthen your relationship. You’ll seem nobler, more caring and wise.
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ON PAUSING Before important meetings and interactions, ask yourself: ‘What state of mind am I in right now?’ If it is an unhelpful one, then pause to let those feelings subside. Find ways to guard against strong emotions interrupting your meetings. Get some fresh air beforehand. Talk a short walk. Be still for a moment. Try to create separation from an unhelpful emotional state. When asking someone for something, make sure that it’s a good time – if they seem upset, angry or troubled, come back later.
6: Compromising
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ON COMPROMISING Ask yourself: ‘What is my ideal goal and what would I be prepared to accept as a compromise?’ Be prepared and know in advance what you want, and what you’d settle with. Your ideal goal should always be your opening proposal. Avoid the temptation to reduce your opening request in the belief that it will be rejected. The word ‘No’ is your friend in situations like these. Be bold and make a second request.
7: Knowing
Page 55
ON KNOWING Wherever possible, arrange for someone else to introduce you. If that isn’t possible, send your biography or profile in advance of any meeting. Include qualifications and experience at the very top of your CV. Never hide them away at the end.
8: Admitting
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ON ADMITTING In order to embrace your small flaws you need to be aware of them. Make a (short) list of yours. If you find that hard, or don’t think you possess any flaws, ask a friend or partner who may see something that is invisible to you. Don’t be afraid to admit to mistakes or small bad habits – but don’t begin confessing all your guilty secrets!
9: Asking
Page 68
ON ASKING Over a week, keep a record of the numbers of ‘Yeses’ and ‘Nos’ your direct requests receive – you’ll soon notice the impact of asking. Remember that a short sting of possible embarrassment is a small price to pay compared to the lingering ache of ‘if only’. Next time you want something – ask for it.
10: Conversing
Page 74
ON CONVERSING Next time you are on a plane, a bus or at conference and the person next to you isn’t looking down at their phone or otherwise occupied, try saying ‘hello’. Practise ‘introducing yourself’ in front of a mirror – remember eye contact and a genuine smile. When dining with friends, encourage more conversation by agreeing to place mobile phones in the centre of the table. Whoever looks at their phone first (a sign that a Facebook update or tweet is more important than the people at the table) pays for dinner!
11: Humanising
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ON HUMANISING When you are clear about your goal, find a story that will bring it to life and make it desirable to others. Think about what makes a good story – find characters your audience can identify with, and show their motivation and desires. Wherever possible, use pictures of people as well as, or instead of, charts and spreadsheets in order to convey your message.
12: Liking
Page 87
ON LIKING The first step to getting someone to agree with you is, often, to make them like you. Increase this possibility by identifying your commonalities. Do your preparation. Seek out similarities such as shared backgrounds, interests and experiences. Be sure to highlight them before making your pitch or request.
13: Complimenting
Page 94
ON COMPLIMENTING Before asking someone for something, think of one good thing about them, and include a compliment in your conversation. This doesn’t always have to be in the moment. Cultivate a positive relationship and use compliments generally. This can make people feel positive towards you so that when the time comes to ask a favour, they may be more likely to say yes!
14: Labelling
Page 101
ON LABELLING Get into the habit of genuinely labelling people with the sort of traits that are consistent with the request you are about to make. Be careful with negative labels, though. Don’t be surprised if bemoaning your friend’s tardiness makes her even later next time you go out together. If possible, recall a time when you’ve been labelled positively by someone else (as hard-working, say) and remind yourself of its beneficial effects.
15: Reasoning
Page 108
The answer to convincing children to tidy their rooms, teens to do their homework, housemates to recycle, and partners to do the dishes is as simple as saying because and providing a reason.
Note: todo: try this with Noelle, Lia, etc
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ON REASONING Before you ask someone for something, make sure that you are clear why you are asking for it. And then make sure that they know too. To work out your reason, ask yourself: ‘What benefit will be gained as a result of my request?’ Make sure that you use the word ‘because’ during your request, to flag up your reasoning.
16: Committing
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ON COMMITTING Next time you want someone to commit to something, give them a specific goal. Bring up your commitments, or those of others, in public: at the pub, tell friends that your other mate has promised to go on holiday with you that summer; talk about your commitment to run a marathon on Facebook; promise that your team will deliver a project in a work meeting. When setting goals for yourself, have in mind a range of outcomes that you’d be happy with, rather than a single one – you’ll find that you’ll strive for the best!
17: Implementing
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ON IMPLEMENTING Remember that when creating a goal it may not be enough to just write that goal down on a to-do list. Once you have identified a goal, create an implementation plan with specific steps about when, where and how you will deliver it. When persuading others, encourage them to do the same. If you manage a team or are responsible for managing a project have regular implementation plan reviews.
18: Comparing
Page 128
So, all other things being equal, if you are in a competitive situation with three or more candidates performing for a single opportunity our advice is: go last.
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ON COMPARING All other things being equal, in a competitive situation with three or more candidates, try to arrange to go last. When preparing proposals or requests, always ensure that you think about a favourable comparison. Think about what or who your listeners will be comparing you with – and make sure you give them a more favourable alternative.
19: Following
Page 133
At home, rather than trying to use logic to persuade your child to do something that they really don’t want to do, such as eating their greens, instead point out how their friends are doing it. In the office, communicating how many people are already behind a new initiative can help the idea to catch on. And when trying to persuade your friends to choose a particular holiday resort, don’t rely on your own powers of persuasion, but instead point to all the positive reviews that others who have already visited have posted
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ON FOLLOWING Be sure to show how people in a similar situation to those you want to influence have acted. People follow those most similar to themselves. So rather than using the testimonial you are most proud of, use the one that comes from someone most like your influence target. Build ‘follows’ on your social networks by highlighting your increasing number of followers. If your followers have risen from two hundred to four hundred you could tweet about the fact that the number has doubled; on Instagram, offer an incentive for your followers to help you reach a certain number.
20: Losing
Page 140
ON LOSING Think about the things someone you want to persuade will gain if they say ‘Yes’ to your request. Now state those as things they could lose if they don’t carefully consider your offer. Use competition to increase your persuasiveness. If people come to know that your availability or services are in demand by others then these things become more attractive. Value your time so that others will too. Don’t say ‘I’m free all day, you choose a time.’ Instead say: ‘I can meet on Saturday, either at four or seven.’
21: Ending
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ON ENDING Try to save the best news until last. It will have a much bigger impact on people. When presenting, ask yourself ‘what do I want people to remember most?’ and offer that at the end. Make a point of reminding yourself and your team members of the good times. It is easy to forget great times that have been shared – especially if some of them didn’t end so well.
The Science of Persuasion
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Readers interested in a more detailed understanding of the studies we cite should visit www.littlebookofyes.com where they will find a full list of references along with links to the original scientific papers.